DJXVII: Opening Ceremony Script

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(Script originally performed at Dimension Jump XVII 03/05/13)

“For Dimension Jump XVII, I wrote the script for the opening ceremony on the Friday night. It was performed by Carrie Parsons and Myself and was designed to a brief of being a comedy routine that had a lot of references to well known parts of Red Dwarf to try and get the audience geared up for the evening’s entertainment.”

INTRO PLAYS. ENTER STAGE RIGHT.

ALEX


Hello everyone and welcome to Dimension Jump XVII! I’m Alex.

CARRIE

And I’m Carrie.

ALEX

And we’d before we go any further we’d like to say a massive thank you to all of you here as you’ve already made this one of the biggest Dimension Jumps ever! In fact, it’s the second biggest after the 10th anniversary convention, which seems entirely fitting in this 25th anniversary year.

CARRIE

And of course, this is an extra special and exciting DJ. Yes, many of us thought it might never happen. It seemed like the window of opportunity had passed and after so many failed attempts we’d have to be content consigning it to the dustbin of history. How wrong we were! It’s back and it’s kicking bottom!

ALEX

(Oblivious)

That’s right! The new issue of the Fan Club magazine is out now!

(Alex gives an enthusiastic fist pump as it to get the crowd going)

CARRIE

(Irritated & through gritted teeth)

No you goit, the other one.

ALEX

Oh, yeah, there was that new series of Red Dwarf too. The first 6 part series in thirteen years in fact. Anyone watch that?

(Pause for cheers)

CARRIE

(Wistfully)

Thirteen years though… Thunk of what you could be doing with that time. 13 years sitting around and waiting, or 13 years trying to get a movie ver-…sion… off.. the ground. Ah. Carry on, as you were.

ALEX

And alongside the usual quizzes, games and disco, Series X has resulted in a DJ guest list that is positively bursting at the seams! Yes, this is your chance to ask cast and crew all those burning questions and we’ve got lots of exciting guests from the latest series for you to do just that! Joining us this weekend are

– Rebecca Blackstone

– Sydney Stevenson

– Isla Ure

– Simon Treves

– Richard O’Callaghan

CARRIE

We’ve also got some fantastic faces from the shows past in the form of

– Hattie Hayridge

– Tony Hawks

– John Lenahan

And of course, that’s all alongside the fabulous main cast. Please give it up for

– Craig Charles

– Chris Barrie

– Danny John Jules

– Robert Llewellyn

Plus, on Sunday, we have the main man himself; Mr Doug Naylor.

ALEX

But most exciting of all… We’ve got a super model. Yeah! How about that?!? We’ve got a super model, man!… Oh… Wait, sorry. We have a ‘super model man’, Bill Pearson! Sorry about that. Misplaced comma. Honestly, did nobody check this script for typos? Let me see… Oh God, they’re in there from page one! “Damnation Jig; a weekend of hedonistic Bed Morph wash filfulment”?!? What the hell is this?

CARRIE

No wonder Tony gets so many emails about skateboarding…

ALEX

But anyway, now to introduce you to the rest of the Fan Club team. And fortunatly, I have just the thing to get them all here!

(Alex goes behind the big screen and rummages at the back of the stage)

CARRIE

Err… Alex?…What are you doing?

ALEX

I’m getting my Quantum Rod out.

CARRIE

Look, we’ve talked about this before. We’re all flattered, but we really DON’T want to see it and we simply AREN’T interested.

ALEX

No no no. This!

(Alex comes out from behind the screen holding a Quantum Rod. The prop is incredibly cheaply made.)

 CARRIE

THAT’s a Quantum Rod?

ALEX

Yeah!

CARRIE

It looks like a glow stick, stuck in a plastic bottle and covered it tin foil!

ALEX

Well you try finding the money for props after paying off Craig Charles’ bar bill!

(Turns to audience and looks affronted)

Anyway, place the rod in this housing…

(Alex places Quantum Rod in housing backstage. The rest of the team walk on stage.)

CARRIE

Hey, the whole team are here! And just in time to start proceedings!

BOTH

(Sarcastically)

Well isn’t *that* convenient…

(Surprised)

Hey! We all said that at the same time! What a weird coincidence! Wow, it works with anything!

(Beat)

Mimian bladder fish

(Beat)

Mimosian anti-matter chopsticks.

(Longer beat)

Cesium francolithic mixi alibidium rixy dixy doxy dexy droxide

ALEX

GET IN!

(Pause for cheer)

Anyway, the team will be on hand all weekend to ensure the smooth running of the event and if you have any problems then just let us know. With that in mind, let me introduce you to the team

– James

– Jo

– Jez

– Liam

And Liam, could you give us a run down of what we have lined up for this evening?

(Liam runs down the evening’s activities and house rules.)

EXIT STAGE.

 

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